Dos, Cuatro, Tres



¿No encuentras raro el hecho de que un completo extranjero, alguien que nunca ha respirado a tu lado, alguien que nunca ha compartido un pensamiento contigo, alguien que ni siquiera sabes que existe, pueda convertirse en todo lo que vale en este mundo?

Somos algo raro, los humanos, no somos los únicos capaces de sentir, pero si nos puedo considerar como uno de los más expresivos. Nacimos solos, somos completamente independientes, somos capaces de forjar nuestros destinos con las herramientas que uno mismo construya o adquiera y traiga a la mesa, sin embargo... eso no es suficiente, en algunos casos. Siempre he creído en que el amor existe, te hace sentir extremadamente feliz, orgulloso, eficaz, útil, capaz de canalizar una exuberante cantidad de energía y hacer que el mundo gire a tu favor. Todo es perfecto, dentro de imperfecciones, todos ganan. También existe esa otra parte del amor, la cual nos quita todo eso. En su etapa más sencilla, simplemente te da tristeza, te conviertes en una persona vulnerable a los recuerdos de memorias encantadoras las cuales nunca volverán. En su peor etapa, se convierte en odio, te enfoca a todo lo equivocado de esa persona, te consume hasta que te olvides de ese otro ser. Como ya dije, mientras todo funciona, todos ganan, en especial si amor es duradero y sincero, desafortunadamente no todo es eterno y aun si pierdes a esa otra persona amándola... es igual de devastador.

El amor, sin lugar a dudas, es un negocio para perder.

A nadie le gusta perder, y si sabemos que la pérdida es prácticamente inevitable,  ¿por qué esa ardua tarea de buscar lo que inevitablemente será dolor? No soy un experto en el tema, pero si un recién testigo de lo que es sentir amor, y la respuesta es sencilla. Porque vale la pena. Vale la pena entregar todo tu ego, toda tu amargura,  toda la comodidad de la soledad, vale la pena entregar TU VIDA por algo que amas. Cierto, hay que amarse, hay que amarse para amar a otros, hay que amarse para poder apreciar lo que es compartir y sentir que tu valor como un ser viviente y pensante sigue aumentando cada día. Pero hay personas que no tienen mucha experiencia en lo que es auto-valorizarse. Hay personas que buscarán quien hacerlos sentir bien.

Yo pensaba que era una de esas personas. Yo pensaba que no tenía valor, yo pensaba que podía esconder lo que veía desagradable en mi al sumergirme en aguas sucias, en estar inconsciente, en que mi valor se definía por pertenencias materiales o simplemente en otras personas para sentirme útil de manera forzada. Pude aclarar mi mente y ver que yo no tenía que ser así y que era posible darme valor, tal vez no pensaba que yo fuese un ser especial, pero tampoco era insignificante. Necesitaba seguir reponiéndome. En medio de esa sanación, conocí a un ser completamente diferente a mi, que retaba todo tipo de entendimiento a las cosas que yo daba por alto. Yo no sabía que tanto yo dejaba desperdiciar al ser... bueno... yo. Entendía muchas cosas del pasado, la mayoría fracasos, pero no entendía como no repetirlos hasta que llegó esta persona.

No me considero un romántico, tampoco de piedra, cuando siento algo, es bastante fuerte. Hasta ahora esta es mi prueba más contundente, la piedra-- no, la montaña más... maravillosa, majestuosa y hermosa que se ha topado en mi camino. El problema fue que dejé resbalarme cuando estaba en el tope, aun no termino de caer, con cada vuelta, con cada segundo que sigo rodando, sigo golpeando fuertemente las piernas, brazos, cabeza, espalda, pero donde más duelen es en el pecho.

Dicen que el corazón es de esta forma ♥, que el corazón no forma parte del amor porque el amor es una respuesta de químicos en nuestro cerebro, pero es mi sincero pensar que es de adultos, no niños, admitir que así es como se siente todo el dolor dentro del pecho. Todo falla, todo duele, y el cerebro se convierte en tu peor enemigo, mientras en tu pecho sientes, en tu cabeza sólo te torturas. Prefiero pensar que el corazón si es quien se encarga del amor.

Y es en ese corazón en que guardo a quien una vez fue una desconocida, una sombra más en un árbol, ahí arriba estuvo mientras yo me fijaba en las raíces sin darme cuenta que después del tronco que te agarra a este mundo, existe más vida. Y es más hermosa aun cuando creces a ser hoja y comparten esa misma rama en esa sombra.

Si algún día mi pensar cambiara, no borraría estas palabras, porque son verdaderas hoy. Hoy es cuando escribo. Hoy es cuando siento. Sigo diciendo que amo a quien ahora mismo no está a mi lado, sin importar que pase después.

Te amo, Yaderis.


A few sincere words...

It's funny, how I used to make websites out of anything that would pop into my mind and just express myself out there, with or without a public. I think I need to get back on that, at least the second part. It's not news for me that nothing in life is simple, nothing worthwhile anyway, and I guess expressing myself through quotes on Facebook is an indication of that. We have... well, let me not drag anyone else into this, I have somehow negated that small hint of "art" that comes with expressing myself, regardless how many "Likes" I get, for better or worse.

For the first time in a while I'll use this blog as a personal outlet, and not just to show off whatever digital art I make (which is in itself an outlet, mind you). These last couple of months have been spent with one of the most important people in my entire life, and I'm not just saying that. We've all had that other someone that makes us feel good or even in love, but when I say important it is not completely about that, the "love" thing. This person has pushed me beyond my capacity towards many things, most importantly, respect towards others. If you've known me for a while, it is no surprise to you that I'm an insensitive asshole. Or at least a part of me still is. But, back then, that's all I was, an Internet person that slowly crawled out of the computer and took over me. This person saw through that and challenged me in ways I never thought possible to better myself.

Unfortunately, I've been on the brink of losing this person for that exact same reason, sometimes I felt she pushed me too far and I retaliated by engulfing myself in that "dark passenger" she so desperately wanted to get rid of. The bad part here is that I liked visiting that side of me, so it is easy for me to justify what is clearly wrong in the eyes of others, especially hers. Now, in the previous week and it happened again, at least partially, and it has cost me a great deal of internal pain. This person, in all of her right, her might and spiritual light, has decided to sever her ties with me. I can understand completely well WHY, I just don't want it to be true. My interaction with her has been null as of late, I begged to at least let me message her a "good morning" through text, so that I won't have to see if she read it or not because quite frankly I'd rather not know when I'm being ignored. I'd rather not see a timestamp with the word "seen". There is no point to this, I'm not going gaining anything, she will not read this, as neither will anyone else, and I am certainly not going to feel good after posting it because expressing myself just doesn't cut it for me. Not in this specific matter, anyway.

So I'm going to contradict myself and post it.


[Photoshop] Voluntas

For the past two months I've been trying to bring to "life" a concept I've had in my mind ever since I found some old rubbery dismembered body parts that only qualify as "toys" if you watched Dexter (not the boy genius). As a kid.

Coming up with the concept of "Art equals self-sacrifice" in a graphical manner wasn't difficult, shooting it, however, was a whole other ballpark. My dated Canon Rebelt XTi is good for some closeups and places with decent lighting. Photography with flash is hideous for the most part (the most part is when talking about the camera's built-in flash), and it is especially dated when all you've to work with are the stock lens and a pretty below-than-average macro lens. All these factors, plus the lack of space, good shooting angles and doing this by myself prompted me to have a second shoot because the first one was that awful (see below at the end of the post).

Second time around I had help from my good friend Sofia, providing the severed arm on the right, I could've used my own, like I did in my first shooting, but it was sub-par and awkward as hell. This will be submitted to an international art magazine, let's see if it gets approved.


Photoshop - Smile for Everyone

We all wear masks, others better than others, and those who don't, just can't take theirs off.


The Moon

It's been a while since I've taken pictures of-- well, just taken pictures in general. I was busy for about a month learning, practicing and finalizing the "documentary" of the short-lived punk rock band I was in, Cheap (A) Oi!, and ever since I've struggled to go out and take pictures.

Tonight was a night out and the sky was pretty clear so I went back home, grabbed my backpack and went off, because if I didn't take the chance, I was going to wait somewhere between a year and an eternity while the "muse" visited me. I have no new equipment, which should be considered a sin, so this was still shot with my Canon Rebel XTi and the Sigma DG 70-300, a nice, cheap, albeit slow lens I've had but not used very much. I used Photoshop to play a bit with the contrast and add the watermark because even using Lightroom after so long is a hassle for me (I'm reaching new heights of procrastination, I know).


Cheap (A) Oi! The Documentary - My first video editing project!

Cheap (A) Oi! The Documentary

I'm not a master on Photoshop but I know how to use it, something I really wanted to do a few years ago was video editing but I lacked the courage to whip up a "real" program and thus work on a real practice project.

I also lacked any footage. These were times in which smartphones were a real luxury and quality mobile recording wasn't cheap. Ironically, today's devices surpass almost any other type of camcorder from yesteryears just because of the accessibility. Back then, more than 10 years ago, having a camcorder was as big as having a car. The transition from tape to digital wasn't always the most favorable, and it shows in this video. Whereas poor quality is normally a turn-off for me in pictures, in this case I could forgive it due to its high emotional value as well nostalgia factor.

These were recorded on some old camcorder, then converted to DVD via Walgreens, then ripped, converted, edited and re-uploaded, 10 years after it was originally recorded.

It's in Spanish though, but I doubt that will matter much because the low production values are evident as well the lack of talent from yours truly, both in the video editing area as well as band singer. I still dream to reunite with them one day. :)


Animusic - Resonant Chamber

This piece of art is a delicacy for the visual and audio junkies. Animusic is the name of the company/people that make these videos but it might as well be a genre name coined by them. It is beautifully synchronized because the animation is made to follow whatever note is being played, as opposed to the other way around.


History of the Buttfucked Joggers

This bullshit is a "thing" now. What the flying fuck?

Try to spot the reasonable arrangemente of clothing attire.
Hint: It's somewhere off-camera, laughing at these assholes.


NECA Batman – 7″ Action Figure – 1989 Video Game Appearance

I ordered this in the blink of an eye for my birthday because 1) it's a 1989 Batman and 2) it's related to my favorite Batman video game. Everything about the NES version of Tim Burton's Batman film is astonishing, the slightest things just made me stand in awe back then. Things like the barely-noticeable cape movement when resuming from crouching position, to the concept of wall jumps were second place when on top if it all was the catchiest piece of 8-bit music I've had the pleasure to let my ears sweat to.

Here's a video of the Level 1, which showcases everything I've just mentioned:

The color palette used in the few cut scenes as well as the game itself are tastefully carried over to the NECA Batman figure, which is a direct mold from the real life counterpart, including Michael Keaton's likeness. I took the liberty to play with the saturation, so the end result is almost nothing like the figure's original color (shown at the end of this post). It's safe to say that even as a die-hard fan, I prefer this to the original action figures released alongside the movie in 1989, whose entire run consisted of 3 characters, Batman, The Joker and Bob the Goon (Penguin, Riddler, Robin as well as others were re-released from earlier non-movie related runs).