Ass Long I Shave...

The following is an excerpt from a book I was planning to write some years ago.

The unimaginable happened.

Do you know how you tend to have a zit that you want to get rid of, but can't because you know that it will probably leave a mark on your face and will have to live with it for the rest of your life?

Well you can live with a black crater on your face if you're a skilled talker. If not, back it up with money, or even use that money to fix your face. But if there is something that will not go away by sweet-talking to it, nor buy it out, it is ass hair.

Yes, ass hair, that dreadful imitation of Mr. It from the Addams Family that makes his presence felt, literally, when you try to clean your ass' equivalent of Guatemala's sinkholes. Be it toilet paper, soap or even three seashells, ass hair makes it difficult for your product of preference to clean thoroughly. I was deeply disturbed whenever I found I had more hair on my toilet paper than shit stains. I did not pay heed to it though, I merely said to myself...

"I guess I have less ass hair now".

One day, after a handful of small twisted hairs appeared on my toilet paper after it explored the depths of the "Wretched Two", I decided to take a look with my head between my legs and my rear-end pointing at the mirror.

Little did I expect what awaited me. I was terrified. I prayed my best to any god that hadn't kept me On Hold previously that my eyesight was playing a cruel joke on me. As I extended my hand to reach for what seemed similar to a dark-colored metal sponge. Easy to wrap your fingers in, difficult to retract them back to safe distance.

My ass.... was hairy.

Very hairy.

So damn hairy I could not bear to moon anyone ever again. I could get ass nuggets stuck in this small jungle. I'd have to be extra careful if I were to get naked in front of someone and turn around.

Following the childish solution in life of "close your eyes and it'll go away" I decided to ignore it for years. I figured 70's porn would come back in style and everyone would stop shaving. That would make my ass blend in with the crowd.

Looking back on this... it would've made a great love novel.


The Most Mismatched Roommates Ever

Ever had a mindfuck? Yes? I hope you enjoy them, because this one will DP your head.

If the answer is no, then I'm about to take your virginity with this video.


The Hang

I don't really consider myself a drummer, there's a video of me playing drums (it's about a year old) and I'm not being too good at it. I do enjoy it, which is why the drum set is still around, however if there's another instrument in the world I would love to at least try out, would be the Hang or Hang Drum.

And it's not a drum nor is it hanging, in fact, the name couldn't be further away from the concept. Have a look for yourself:

These things start out at $200 on eBay, although they're not made by the original creators. You have to pre-order the originals and the queue line is likely to be full, and don't expect to pay $200 for these.


I want to shoot a whore

Quick post, if you're in Puerto Rico and have heard of the Guaya Guaya Fest, it's mainly a meeting of shameless public whores who use the excuse of 'reggaeton' in order to engage in their filthy activities.

"Dancing" that looks like fucking, and fucking that looks like unemployed single mothers with an IQ value of a one-digit number. In short, fuck you reggaeton fans and good luck to all you whores out there. I hope you catch Swine Flu in that sea of degradation.


Mars AH-crap...

What if your childhood had a moment so kick-ass that it left you scared shitless, marking a permanent mark in a corner of your brain?

Well, apparently the pussies at Southway Junior School, in west Sussex, find it a crappy thing to witness an alien spaceship crash land, an invasion and having their teacher kidnapped. In all truthfulness, the crash and abduction are things to be excited about, especially if it's your teacher (hello, no classes?), getting invaded should worry you but for crying out loud, ever since 2nd Grade I've looked at the skies in hopes of seeing something out of ordinary and these fuckers are "traumatized" by it? I wouldn't be surprised if all these idiots were mostly emos.

It was clearly staged, even the police was in on it. The parents behaved like Kyle's fuckin' jew mom, complaining about raising their kids so poorly. My general response from both the school and police department would be "Harden the fuck up!".

If Europe decides to retaliate an alien invasion one day, do not recruit the ball-less cretins from this school. In fact, tie them up and leave them in the middle of the battlefield, I'm sure Galactus will have fun with them.


Photoshop Remakes II

While not the same as the other remakes, these ones put the viewer into REALLY noticing the changes between Old vs. New. Humiliating myself just for the sake of saying "At least there's progress". I attempted to capture the essence of old pictures and re-done the entire concept with the current knowledge.

First up is the lamest one, while neither of them are new, it was the first to get this sort of treatment.

Dreth - Midgor

I've no idea what it's supposed to be, where the original background is from (I know it's on DeviantArt somewhere), or where the name came from.

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Mandie Angel

I remember doing this next one as commission work back in 2005, but it turned out so shit after a year I went back to it and sent it to the person, apologizing. I would apologize again, but the source material (her picture) was of very low quality and I had chopped parts of her in the original PSD so there was not much I could do.

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Drethiroth / Sephireth

Good ol' Sephiroth, poor guy has had so much overexposure that he's turned more of a playboy and less a menace to the planet. That and the ever-so-increasingly homosexual overtones of Final Fantasy characters does not help his popularity, at all. Back when Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children was still in its teaser trailer days, few pictures were leaked, the first ones being of Sephiroth. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon, I decided to mock this joke of a villain and plastered my face on his.

Of course, after a while I found it more of an insult to me than to his fans, so I decided to remake it in order to gain a little bit of self-respect as far as mockery goes.

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Tainted Mirror

Although not a real remake, the first Mirror piece was done with the idea of seeing how the concept would look outside of my head, and since the overall response was good I decided to do it for real, with new pictures and all. Some people ended up liking the original better than the remake.

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Dreth - Energy

The one that says Dretho-Kun was meant to be a quick parody of whatever I had in mind at that time. But it always bothered me that whenever someone saw it, they would kind of like it. IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE LIKED! So I turned into Bitch-Ass Goku mode and made my latest masterpiece.

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Photoshop Remakes

Having been using Photoshop for many years, I tend to go back and look at my old stuff and mock myself for even thinking that those old things looked good. Such is the case of some not-so-old pieces, but while I knew they weren't perfect I couldn't find the errors my friend Meis pointed out to me.

Alas, the problem laid within my old CRT Hewlett-Packard monitor (and the other small crappy HP LCD), which had a tendency for hating crisp colors, and opted for trying to make everything as dark as possible.

So when I got my current monitor and saw my Dreth "Sith" and Dreth "Joker" pictures, I almost cried. I decided to try and fix them as much as possible:

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I don't blame you if you can't see a great difference, but those messy red globs of the old one were anything but attractive, and what the hell was I thinking with the sith's "red aura"???

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I changed the scars a bit, made them look a little bit more credible, fixed hair and contrast, recolored and repositioned the hand, as well as changed the card's logo. By changing the logo for that of Tim Burton's Batman film I broke the "nothing external used, all me" streak I had going on in this pic, but it helped so I don't care.

So while still far from perfect, they're easier on the eyes now.