Ass Long I Shave...

The following is an excerpt from a book I was planning to write some years ago.

The unimaginable happened.

Do you know how you tend to have a zit that you want to get rid of, but can't because you know that it will probably leave a mark on your face and will have to live with it for the rest of your life?

Well you can live with a black crater on your face if you're a skilled talker. If not, back it up with money, or even use that money to fix your face. But if there is something that will not go away by sweet-talking to it, nor buy it out, it is ass hair.

Yes, ass hair, that dreadful imitation of Mr. It from the Addams Family that makes his presence felt, literally, when you try to clean your ass' equivalent of Guatemala's sinkholes. Be it toilet paper, soap or even three seashells, ass hair makes it difficult for your product of preference to clean thoroughly. I was deeply disturbed whenever I found I had more hair on my toilet paper than shit stains. I did not pay heed to it though, I merely said to myself...

"I guess I have less ass hair now".

One day, after a handful of small twisted hairs appeared on my toilet paper after it explored the depths of the "Wretched Two", I decided to take a look with my head between my legs and my rear-end pointing at the mirror.

Little did I expect what awaited me. I was terrified. I prayed my best to any god that hadn't kept me On Hold previously that my eyesight was playing a cruel joke on me. As I extended my hand to reach for what seemed similar to a dark-colored metal sponge. Easy to wrap your fingers in, difficult to retract them back to safe distance.

My ass.... was hairy.

Very hairy.

So damn hairy I could not bear to moon anyone ever again. I could get ass nuggets stuck in this small jungle. I'd have to be extra careful if I were to get naked in front of someone and turn around.

Following the childish solution in life of "close your eyes and it'll go away" I decided to ignore it for years. I figured 70's porn would come back in style and everyone would stop shaving. That would make my ass blend in with the crowd.

Looking back on this... it would've made a great love novel.