May 18, 2015

A few sincere words...


It's funny, how I used to make websites out of anything that would pop into my mind and just express myself out there, with or without a public. I think I need to get back on that, at least the second part. It's not news for me that nothing in life is simple, nothing worthwhile anyway, and I guess expressing myself through quotes on Facebook is an indication of that. We have... well, let me not drag anyone else into this, I have somehow negated that small hint of "art" that comes with expressing myself, regardless how many "Likes" I get, for better or worse.

For the first time in a while I'll use this blog as a personal outlet, and not just to show off whatever digital art I make (which is in itself an outlet, mind you). These last couple of months have been spent with one of the most important people in my entire life, and I'm not just saying that. We've all had that other someone that makes us feel good or even in love, but when I say important it is not completely about that, the "love" thing. This person has pushed me beyond my capacity towards many things, most importantly, respect towards others. If you've known me for a while, it is no surprise to you that I'm an insensitive asshole. Or at least a part of me still is. But, back then, that's all I was, an Internet person that slowly crawled out of the computer and took over me. This person saw through that and challenged me in ways I never thought possible to better myself.

Unfortunately, I've been on the brink of losing this person for that exact same reason, sometimes I felt she pushed me too far and I retaliated by engulfing myself in that "dark passenger" she so desperately wanted to get rid of. The bad part here is that I liked visiting that side of me, so it is easy for me to justify what is clearly wrong in the eyes of others, especially hers. Now, in the previous week and it happened again, at least partially, and it has cost me a great deal of internal pain. This person, in all of her right, her might and spiritual light, has decided to sever her ties with me. I can understand completely well WHY, I just don't want it to be true. My interaction with her has been null as of late, I begged to at least let me message her a "good morning" through text, so that I won't have to see if she read it or not because quite frankly I'd rather not know when I'm being ignored. I'd rather not see a timestamp with the word "seen". There is no point to this, I'm not going gaining anything, she will not read this, as neither will anyone else, and I am certainly not going to feel good after posting it because expressing myself just doesn't cut it for me. Not in this specific matter, anyway.

So I'm going to contradict myself and post it.

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