Nov 8, 2009

Learn How To Raise Your Kids (Revised)


Original article published on October 3rd, 2004 for Dreth.net

Wanna Discipline Your Child?

When optimistic butt-lickers tell you that you can raise your kids without violence, it's because they know unfit parents want the easy route.

Expert: Judith Hudson, Ph.D.


Question: What's the best way to discipline a toddler?

Dr. Hudson: At any age, discipline should focus on teaching children how you want them to behave, not punishment. Because children learn differently at different ages, discipline and teaching techniques should take into account the child's developmental level and ability to learn. During the toddler years, the best techniques for teaching children how you want them to behave and avoiding frustration are repetition, distraction, and supervision.


Good grief. The 60's were over since 1972.

But we won't be talking about her, she's had her way spoiling kids. Now it's time to use methods that WORK.

How to discipline a toddler.
Expert: Dreth Rodríguez, Degree in HASFUCKINGPUNCHEDBABIES

Below you will see a list of common problems with babies, and their solutions.

Problem #1

A child could be said to always be in his learning stage, everything around him is new to him. If he grabs a toy, he will chew it or simply throw it around. This can turn problematic if you let this behaviour continue. What if this child sees you, the parent, as a toy? By not prohibiting this he will, indeed, treat you like the worthless sack of shit that you are. Children often think that because of their fragile nature they are instantly granted the right to destroy and do as they please, just because "they don't know better". This is dysfunctional thinking.

Solution

Childrens' weapons of destruction, besides their mouths, are their arms and hands. This is easily countered by quick tugs until you dislocate them from the arm sockets. If you having trouble with this technique, a variation of it is to grab and lift the kid by hands and swinging him around until you hear a "popping" sound. The arms have been neutralized.
Problem #2

This technically overgrown fetus will normally begin crying right about now. It has been established many times as inhumane to leave a child crying, and quite frankly it breaks my heart. As well as my ears. And ultimately my patience.

Solution

Reward him. Yes, you read right. Get him a toy, a small one preferably, such as a LEGO block. The important detail here is to find one small, yet effective enough so that is it deadly. Failing to do so will result in a yogurt-like substance with red globs of blood on the floor as the child vomits profusely.

Problem #3

You are with your little one at the mall and it throws a tantrum. You repeatedly state you cannot buy the overpriced item, which amplifies the child's desolate cry for gaining what it wants. By now you know the solution is not "No sweetie, you can't have it, it's too expensive. Don't scream."

Solution

Repetition, unlike Dr. Judith Fucksherson states, doesn't help the child. This is more than obvious.

But what about a more physical approach? Yes. Grab your child's hand, lean in slowly and when you are about to give it a soft slap, scream inaudibly: SHUTTHEFUCKUPWORTHLESSLIVINGENEMAYOUMEANSHITTOTHEWORLDYOUARENOTHINGBUTWELFARETOME

Child is traumatized and will have its mind off the item and more on how its ears are about to bleed.

Problem #4

Your son is obese. No explanation necessary.

Solution

If you are this much of a failure as parent, you are likely to also have a treadmill. Simply tie a baby walker to its sides, set it to the fastest setting and place your baby inside the walker. If successful, you might have an olympic winner in your hands, which means you will not to have waste your hard-earned money on someone else in the next 18 years. If unsuccessful, you will have a crippled baby. Which is not as bad as it sounds because of the government aid programs.

Problem #5

There comes a time in which everything becomes complex. But the very first time, in life in which you experience these type of changes, is when you are not allowed to use diapers anymore.

Now how would a child detach itself from this simplistic and enjoyable world of continually urinating and/or defecating itself while walking? Not voluntarily, that's for sure. What to do?

Solution

Place tacks or needles, without disinfecting them, inside diapers. Next time the daring toddler tries to avoid leaving it's comfortable cocoon of endless shitting, it will cost him dearly. The excruciating pain as dozens of sharp metal objects penetrate its young tender skin, implanting bacteria that will cause infections and possibly days worth of medical assistance will not only make the child think twice about putting on a diaper, but also to shit.

Another outcome to this might be the phobia of defecating (known as rhypophobia), this can turn into a trauma so big in the child's life he may decide to block its intestines, ultimately leading it to death.



6 comments:

  1. I'm glad I was of assistance for idea #5.
    You are a genious, my friend. ^_^
    Hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was almost as good as that one time when my friend's mother stepped on a nest with baby birds that fell from a tree when I was six years old.
    Next time focus more on bashing the individuals you present, like in this case Judith, I'd really appreciate it. Or don't and be a shrimp.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Perhaps my favorite Ramones is Beat on the Brat.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JSGczqVLLg

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. what comes around goes around. lets just say that all it takes is for you to say the wrong thing to 1 person before you even know it your face is smashed in... lol. you sick fucks especially you dreth the cock sucker

    ReplyDelete
  6. Perhaps my favorite Ramones is Beat on the Brat.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JSGczqVLLg

    ReplyDelete