Nov 22, 2009

FFS: The Journey


Among the activities that contribute to the weekends full of boredom I seem to enjoy so much, I went to a chatroom. It was lively, it had a certain atmosphere of asinine banter mainly from a few angsty individuals. Suddenly I was touched when someone in all capitals said FFS.

Well, being a gamer and former Final Fantasy fan, (former, since it is mostly a show of metrosexuals in skimpy outfits), I was used to acronyms such as SMB = Super Mario Bros, KOTOR = Knights of The Old Republic, COF = Call of Duty, and of course FF, which meant Final Fantasy.

Realizing that asking would make look stupid, I left the chat and began searching about this new radical name for the franchise's latest installment that did away with roman numbers and went straight on to letters. Final Fantasy S would make kind of sense since by now I think they've got to be somewhere close to 19 games, maybe even more. A letter would take less space than all those Roman digits.



This "S", what could it really stand for? Why would a random chatter mention this? Why didn't I ask him? Why was it so difficult to find it? Could I have tapped into a big japanese secret? Why does my ass sweat on this chair when I'm naked yet being covered by clothing doesn't have the same effect? The questions haunted me even in my most private of moments. I couldn't urinate inside the toilet. People came to my house and asked themselves what could make me so furious that I had to leave the bathroom smelling like an old woman.

I looked all over the internet, I went to IRC channels, I tried contacting Square Enix via e-mail. I was desperate, I watched 3 consecutive episodes of Boohbah in order to regain my sanity.



What could this stupid extra letter possibly stand for? Some ideas that came to me were:


Sounds like a burger.

Tubgirl would be the last boss.

Showing that the high demand on Google's Search database of "Bring Aeris back" combined with "Nude patch" has made an impact.

Square Enix's most realistic project.


After a while, it hit me. If there's something actually faster than the internet and waiting for e-mails to be replied, it would be the telephone. So I decided to call Square Enix, Inc. located in El Segundo, California. By making this call I would have to end this seemingly futile search. My mind was to be targeted at one thing and one thing only.

That fucking S.




CALL #1

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling the Square Enix support line. Good afternoon, my name is Steven, how may I be of assistance to you?
Dreth: I need to speak with Hiroshi Arai, the polygonal pervert!
Steven: I'm sorry sir, but that person does not work here.
Dreth: Okay then, get me Nobou Uematsu, leader of the flutes.
Steven: Sir, he only contributes music. He is not a direct employee of Square Enix, is there anything else I can help you with?
Dreth: Well I've been looking for a game and I've not found any information on it.
Steven: What is the game's title?
Dreth: It's a new Final Fantasy with S at the end.
Steven: I'm sorry, no such game is out or scheduled to come out.
Dreth: If you can milk a single game sequel for millions of dollars with shitty sub-sequels/prequels then you can tell which god damned Final Fantasy games have a friggin' S in their titles!
Steven: That would be all of them, sir. Fantasy contains the letter S.
Dreth: Real smart. Did your mother put her primitive tits in that advanced mouth of yours, Great Mastermind?
Steven: Sir, if you don't have any other que--
Dreth: Stevie the cock-mongler!
Steven: I'm sorry bu--
Dreth: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK
Steven: I am disc--
Dreth: MOOOOOOOOOOONGLEEEEEEEEEEER

--Dial Tone--


CALL #2

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. I'm Orlando, how can I help you?
Dreth: What is FFS?
Orlando: I beg your pardon?
Dreth: What does FFS mean?
Orlando: Sir, is this related to Square Enix?
Dreth: Is my shit-stained shoe related to your ass? Just answer m--

--Dial Tone--

Dreth: 'the fuck?


What came over me? No idea. I called it quits. A call from Puerto Rico to California is not exactly cheap. My weekends became once again boring, so I resumed my chatting habit until someone mentioned FFS again. I would NOT let this haunt me again so I asked, only to be told me it meant "For Fuck's Sake".

CALL #3

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. Good day my name is Maggie, how--
Dreth: NO! I want to talk to the president, right now!
Maggie: It is lunch time, sir.
Dreth: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S EATING DORITOS, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM!
Maggie: One moment please.

Yoichi Wada: Yes, what can I help with? I'm busy eating Doritos.
Dreth: FFS is FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Yoichi Wada: What is this? I don't even--
Dreth: You're working with mexicans!
Yoichi Wada: ...

--Dial Tone--


I guess that last one hit the mark.

11 comments:

  1. I loved this, even though you dissed on Final Fantasy. I also love the picture of Tifa sucking cock...and your phone calls. Anyways...

    LOL!

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  2. I prefer the original version, this re-make in my personal opinion is piece of shit!

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  3. If you've read the original I doubt you would even remember it. But, for the sake of comparison I could upload it later.

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  4. Being how I have a copy of the original, it would be pretty damn hard for me not to remember it! The reason being as to why I have a copy is because....

    well, erm, I just find that particular blog to be pretty damn cathartic! In my personal opinion, out of all of the blogs you ever wrote on your old oiginal dreth website, I find that one to be the best fucking one out there! HANDS DOWN! The whole notion on using, "old womens vaginas" repetitiously through out the blog was a very comical ingenious idea!

    But to save you the time and hassel, I'll post the original here for ya ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. original Version part one :



    FFS: The Lost Final Fantasy Game


    The Never-ending Search...


    I was chatting online the other day, like always...do I really do anything else? Well to give myself some kind of ficticious security for having a semi-life away from my room, I'll say - yes I do other things that don't involve laying naked on the bed with my loving and most favorite stuffed animal in the whole world.



    Anyway, I was chatting and a lot of people were talking about FFS, being a former Final Fantasy fan, (former, because the series started to suck ass since VIII but took its leap to death in FF-X), anything with "FF" in it means Final Fantasy, so I started searching online and my GamePro magazines about this radical new name for the series newest installment. To my surprise, no real hints or clues regarding this mysteriously new project. This addition of "S" to a Final Fantasy title kept my mind quenching the rest of my thoughts, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't urinate inside the toilet, my mother was asking herself what was wrong with me. What could make me so furious that I had to leave the bathroom smelling like an old woman's vagina?

    I looked all over the internet, I went to IRC channels, I tried contacting Square-Enix via e-mail but some idiotic Error came up everytime I tried sending an e-mail, one with more questions than they could probably answer..

    My methods' results were as empty and non-productive as that old PlayStation game of stupid Gremlings running in circles and falling into cliffs ready to die. No real gain except an incredible amount of frustration. I was desperate, I watched 3 consecutive Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood episodes in order to regain my sanity, I had to think simple, kind, yet smart. I wrote a letter with more or less the same questions and sent it to Sqaure-Enix's offices in California, Los Angeles, hoping for someone of importance to read it, and had it in his/her heart to reply back to me WITH a coherent and relevant answer, which is not in the nature of big companies.

    As I awaited a reply from the arrogant executives in LA, I had to be entertained somehow, asian porn was at hand, a very good suggestion, but if I relied on it to be entertained for hours, nay days... I'd end up as thin as a dying African child...come to think of it, their stomachs are bigger than mine. I tried going out, meeting up with seductive undecent girls in order to get my worries go away. But as soon I was about to do something sexual with them, my mind snapped back to the real problem in my life, Final Fantasy S. I just called off the whole thing and went back to my house, to cry in my room rocking back and forth in the fetal position ....

    ReplyDelete
  6. original version part 2:

    What could possibly this stupid extra letter stand for? Let's take a look at some of the possible logical meanings:

    Final Fantasy Supreme - Sounds like a burger.

    Final Fantasy Stupid - You can tell it's mainly directed to sell big among teenagers, specially stoners.

    Final Fantasy Sex - High demand on Google's Search database of "Bring Aeris back naked" has made an impact.

    Final Fantasy Sicilly - Final Fantasy in the real world as we know it, in Italy to be more specific. No materia, no summons, just tommy guns and expensive suits with Spaghetti attacks.


    Final Fantasy Sucks - Well, it would be Square-Enix's more realistic project.

    After weeks of futile research, letters, erroneous e-mails,old lady's vaginas, and stupid assumptions I've been handed out with one last task. Call the costumer support line. So I decided to make my last attempt, a good one. I was going to be direct, determined, and serious about this issue. My eating habits and my hygiene depended on this, it was not a joke, but I had to keep my tempter regardless of my wearyness. I had to make this call, and get it over with.

    First Call

    Dreth: Hello?

    SE Representative:Hello sir, how may I be of assitance to you?

    Dreth: Well for starters stop the pleasantries, get me Hiroshi Arai!

    SE R: I'm sorry sir, but Mr. Arai doesn't work here anymore.

    Dreth: Okay then get me Nobou Uematsu, leader of the flutes.

    SE R: Mr. Uematsu doesn't work at Square-Enix directly, he contributes music.

    Dreth: Okay funny man, you think that you can mock me, I've been looking for a game and I've not found any information on it.

    SE R: What is the game's title?

    Dreth: It's a new Final Fantasy with S at the end.

    SE R: I'm sorry, no such game is out or scheduled to come out.

    Dreth: That's why I was looking for the big names! Little people like you wouldn't know about something this big and secret, but I'm onto them, I suggest you let me talk to someone in the higher level immediately.

    --Dial Tone--

    Second Call (different representative)

    SE R: Hello, welcome to the Square-Enix Costumer Support Line, how may I help you?.

    Dreth: Hello, I have Fidel Castro outside your building, either give me the desired information or I'll throw Che Guevara's best friend on yo' ass.

    SE R: Sir, this caller ID tells me you're calling from Puerto Rico.

    Dreth: Hah! We've already infiltrated your signal, it's screwed up.

    --Dial Tone--

    Third Call (different representative also)

    SE R: Hello, welcome to the Square-Enix Supp--

    Dreth: NO! I want to talk to one of your developers, right now.

    SE R: It is lunch time, sir.

    Dreth: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S EATING DORITOS FROM SUBWAY, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM! NOW!

    SE R: One moment please.

    - Okay this was it, if there was someone that should know of this game, it was whoever I was going to talk to, the moment of truth draws near.

    Yasumi Matsuno: Yes what can I help with? I'm eating Doritos.

    Dreth: Excuse me sir, do you have twelve-pound balls?

    Yasumi Matsuno: . . .

    --Dial Tone--

    Just like that, it was gone... I couldn't help myself after watching Beavis & Butt-Head. I returned to my normal life, which meant going back to being lifeless, I started chatting again, and someone mentioned FFS again. I asked the person, only to tell me it meant "for fuck's sake". But I know this guy was paid to not let the world know of the new Final Fantasy, I shall find out...I shall find out...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well now I don't know what to be, except, flattered [that you saved it] and creeped out [that you saved it].

    When I re-read it, about 3 weeks ago, I thought it was a bit too long and that somehow some parts dragged on and on while other jokes were left half-way done.

    I wanted to take the main bits and make them stand out instead of throwing a bunch of half-assed ideas.

    Still, thank you for your thoughts.

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  8. This is your best post on this blog so far. I like the original post that Anonymous provided just the same though. IT'LL BE HARD TO TOP THIS.

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