Nov 22, 2009

FFS: The Journey


Among the activities that contribute to the weekends full of boredom I seem to enjoy so much, I went to a chatroom. It was lively, it had a certain atmosphere of asinine banter mainly from a few angsty individuals. Suddenly I was touched when someone in all capitals said FFS.

Well, being a gamer and former Final Fantasy fan, (former, since it is mostly a show of metrosexuals in skimpy outfits), I was used to acronyms such as SMB = Super Mario Bros, KOTOR = Knights of The Old Republic, COF = Call of Duty, and of course FF, which meant Final Fantasy.

Realizing that asking would make look stupid, I left the chat and began searching about this new radical name for the franchise's latest installment that did away with roman numbers and went straight on to letters. Final Fantasy S would make kind of sense since by now I think they've got to be somewhere close to 19 games, maybe even more. A letter would take less space than all those Roman digits.



This "S", what could it really stand for? Why would a random chatter mention this? Why didn't I ask him? Why was it so difficult to find it? Could I have tapped into a big japanese secret? Why does my ass sweat on this chair when I'm naked yet being covered by clothing doesn't have the same effect? The questions haunted me even in my most private of moments. I couldn't urinate inside the toilet. People came to my house and asked themselves what could make me so furious that I had to leave the bathroom smelling like an old woman.

I looked all over the internet, I went to IRC channels, I tried contacting Square Enix via e-mail. I was desperate, I watched 3 consecutive episodes of Boohbah in order to regain my sanity.



What could this stupid extra letter possibly stand for? Some ideas that came to me were:


Sounds like a burger.

Tubgirl would be the last boss.

Showing that the high demand on Google's Search database of "Bring Aeris back" combined with "Nude patch" has made an impact.

Square Enix's most realistic project.


After a while, it hit me. If there's something actually faster than the internet and waiting for e-mails to be replied, it would be the telephone. So I decided to call Square Enix, Inc. located in El Segundo, California. By making this call I would have to end this seemingly futile search. My mind was to be targeted at one thing and one thing only.

That fucking S.




CALL #1

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling the Square Enix support line. Good afternoon, my name is Steven, how may I be of assistance to you?
Dreth: I need to speak with Hiroshi Arai, the polygonal pervert!
Steven: I'm sorry sir, but that person does not work here.
Dreth: Okay then, get me Nobou Uematsu, leader of the flutes.
Steven: Sir, he only contributes music. He is not a direct employee of Square Enix, is there anything else I can help you with?
Dreth: Well I've been looking for a game and I've not found any information on it.
Steven: What is the game's title?
Dreth: It's a new Final Fantasy with S at the end.
Steven: I'm sorry, no such game is out or scheduled to come out.
Dreth: If you can milk a single game sequel for millions of dollars with shitty sub-sequels/prequels then you can tell which god damned Final Fantasy games have a friggin' S in their titles!
Steven: That would be all of them, sir. Fantasy contains the letter S.
Dreth: Real smart. Did your mother put her primitive tits in that advanced mouth of yours, Great Mastermind?
Steven: Sir, if you don't have any other que--
Dreth: Stevie the cock-mongler!
Steven: I'm sorry bu--
Dreth: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK
Steven: I am disc--
Dreth: MOOOOOOOOOOONGLEEEEEEEEEEER

--Dial Tone--


CALL #2

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. I'm Orlando, how can I help you?
Dreth: What is FFS?
Orlando: I beg your pardon?
Dreth: What does FFS mean?
Orlando: Sir, is this related to Square Enix?
Dreth: Is my shit-stained shoe related to your ass? Just answer m--

--Dial Tone--

Dreth: 'the fuck?


What came over me? No idea. I called it quits. A call from Puerto Rico to California is not exactly cheap. My weekends became once again boring, so I resumed my chatting habit until someone mentioned FFS again. I would NOT let this haunt me again so I asked, only to be told me it meant "For Fuck's Sake".

CALL #3

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. Good day my name is Maggie, how--
Dreth: NO! I want to talk to the president, right now!
Maggie: It is lunch time, sir.
Dreth: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S EATING DORITOS, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM!
Maggie: One moment please.

Yoichi Wada: Yes, what can I help with? I'm busy eating Doritos.
Dreth: FFS is FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Yoichi Wada: What is this? I don't even--
Dreth: You're working with mexicans!
Yoichi Wada: ...

--Dial Tone--


I guess that last one hit the mark.

Nov 10, 2009

950 tries later, she's ready to kill


Back in February I talked about a South Korean woman that had failed the driving test more than 700 times.

I had missed one important aspect about the story. The exam was not the driving one, but the written one!

All these months I had thought that she passed the initial written exam and that she was simply a menace behind the wheel. Apparently she's a menace on paper also, because she passed the exam on her 950th try. I remember wanting to punch her stupid face back to Kim Woo's era, now I want to fuck her eye sockets.

Okay, maybe not.

Back in the office, she was the number one murderer of trees, now she sort of graduated Asshole School and can be a more selective murderer of, say... dogs, cats, chinchillas and people. On the bright side, it IS South Korea we're talking about. People drive like assholes all the time so she might just blend in perfectly.

Nov 8, 2009

Learn How To Raise Your Kids (Revised)


Original article published on October 3rd, 2004 for Dreth.net

Wanna Discipline Your Child?

When optimistic butt-lickers tell you that you can raise your kids without violence, it's because they know unfit parents want the easy route.

Expert: Judith Hudson, Ph.D.


Question: What's the best way to discipline a toddler?

Dr. Hudson: At any age, discipline should focus on teaching children how you want them to behave, not punishment. Because children learn differently at different ages, discipline and teaching techniques should take into account the child's developmental level and ability to learn. During the toddler years, the best techniques for teaching children how you want them to behave and avoiding frustration are repetition, distraction, and supervision.


Good grief. The 60's were over since 1972.

But we won't be talking about her, she's had her way spoiling kids. Now it's time to use methods that WORK.

How to discipline a toddler.
Expert: Dreth Rodríguez, Degree in HASFUCKINGPUNCHEDBABIES

Below you will see a list of common problems with babies, and their solutions.

Problem #1

A child could be said to always be in his learning stage, everything around him is new to him. If he grabs a toy, he will chew it or simply throw it around. This can turn problematic if you let this behaviour continue. What if this child sees you, the parent, as a toy? By not prohibiting this he will, indeed, treat you like the worthless sack of shit that you are. Children often think that because of their fragile nature they are instantly granted the right to destroy and do as they please, just because "they don't know better". This is dysfunctional thinking.

Solution

Childrens' weapons of destruction, besides their mouths, are their arms and hands. This is easily countered by quick tugs until you dislocate them from the arm sockets. If you having trouble with this technique, a variation of it is to grab and lift the kid by hands and swinging him around until you hear a "popping" sound. The arms have been neutralized.

Nov 6, 2009

Tap Dancing with a twist


Upon reading dieAntagonista's comment:

I suggest, Death of Autotune by Jay-Z, that should calm you down a little. Though I guess you won't be able to listen to that since it's a *rapper* who criticises other rappers so I really got nothing for you.


I didn't really give a shit about her suggestion, but I gave myself a challenge. To find something related to rap that is worth showing and doesn't include big asses.

And I did.

Nov 1, 2009

Porn Smarts


A great man once said "If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want to study, go to a library." While I wholeheartedly agree, I have to include an alternative method to learning.

Random facts from female pornstars:

http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/starfacts.html

Don't worry, it contains no pornography, just a lot of educational value.

On the other hand I've been shown weird shit online. I got to think, there's people that enjoy making others cringe by surprising them with these videos, others simply have great curiosity for seeing what a broken glass jar inside a dude's ass looks like. But below all this, there lies a scary truth, that there's people that gets turned on by this. These sites with ridiculous and crappy fetishes are NSFW (Not Safe For Work):

Beauty and Braces - You can pretty much tell what's it about. While I do find braces cute on some girls, I certainly don't get boners of thinking cold metal scraping my dick and leaving a bloody mess in some poor undignified girl's mouth.

Fart Fantasy - Having crossed into the mainstream public's eyes (and torched their brains with splattering shit), 2 Girls 1 Cup sort of introduced this watered-down version of women enjoying the stuff that comes out of the poop chute rather than putting stuff in it. They smell an awful lot like flowers!