Apr 29, 2009

Teh Internets


10,000 B.C.

The internet, as we know it, was created some 10,000 odd years ago. There was no Mr. Google to help you, and you'd be lucky to get anything. They called this life. You had to throw rocks and hope it landed on some poor bastard, then have him curse at you and/or throw you the rocks back.

This was called "Ping".

1931

Thousands of years later, the typewriter with an integrated TV but nothing interesting happened. One thing was pretty darn consistent though, to operate it you couldn't be a dumbass. But then it went to hell, people plugged telephone lines and it became easier for people to understand how to use the typewriter/TV set and soon they flooded the cybernetic space (composed of a series of giant tubes).

1979 - 1994

By now, it was relatively simple. You could join a Usenet group, BBS board or IRC channel and take the crap out of your life and only type the few interesting things that may come to mind and share it with other people. But then came what were the first personal websites, starting with Justin Hall's Links, he would link sites on his. You can just imagine if it was boring back then. I don't think even "lol" existed back then since there was nothing funny on the internet.

With more and more people doing weblogs (blogs) somewhere along the way (1995-ish) someone thought "Why not give the crappy uninteresting people a place for dumping their crap?" and thus Geocities was formed. Small personal websites, made by morons like your father, badly rendered information, full of seizure-inducing animations and hard to read text.

1892

This spawned other web hosting services like AOL's Hometown, Tripod and TopCities. They all consisted of the same shit though.



Sites grew more colorful and user-friendly (read:retard-proof) while making better use of images.

01

Video/image hosting was a miserable joke. Who would want videos at their site? And who the hell would have so much bandwidth to spare? After all, Geocities didn't give you a lot of bandwidth for MP3s, much less videos. Who am I kidding, if more than 20 people visited your site in one day your site would exceed its bandwidth, talk about being a horde of cheap asses.

1999

Then it was LiveJournal, which (as the name would imply) an online journal, defying all purpose of a journal or diary, which is to ventilate through pages that shall remain private. I'm sure the users of LJ or any other journal-based website would not recite their everyday mundane crap over a loudspeaker in public, so the point of sites like these is to announce that its users are big bags of FAIL.

On my poorly-executed defense, a blog is not entirely like a journal. Blogs are multi-purpose whereas a journal is much more straightforward, in other words the ratio of whining ass goblins is considerably lower on blogging sites than journal ones.
2000

Then the the internet had a déjà vu, after LiveJournal showed up some dipshit came in and said, once again "Why don't we now give the miserable, pessimistic and uninteresting people a place for dumping their crap?", thus VampireFreaks came to be, as well as DeadJournal a bit later. All full of fat fucks with shitty poetry and a tendency of being "unique".

2001

Now around this time the internet was not plagued with "social networking" sites, but rather chat rooms. Taking the top spots were MSN Chat, Yahoo! Chat, They were your Internet 101, you would learn that it was not necessary to make sense or speak English correctly. You would learn what links were because that's the only way you'd be able to see pictures of people (this was before profiles). You could even get laid in these crazy things! You'd be typing erotic messages in private while telling some random guy how much Limp Bizkit ruled/sucked. You wanted to spend waste some hours in front of the computer? THIS WAS IT!

Relevant content: Buttcakes
Schfifty-Five

Slowly, people either redirected chatters to their personal websites or journals elsewhere because a chat room didn't necessarily give you the option to add any info, so little by little evolved what we know as profiles. With all these concepts put together (being an annoying twat, the necessity of 200 pictures, poor grasp of your native language and a knack for thinking you're interesting) were the blueprints of what we now call MySpace, Facebook, and whatever piece of shit you might think of composed of desperate people in search for recognition among their peers.

Present Day

So nowadays we're extremely sophisticated lifeless dorks that love to chat with glittery pictures and what was once paranoia over online exposure by having your contact info and pictures is now the cool thing to do.

Great job guys, you fucked it up.

TEH END

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