Dec 31, 2009

Last (uninteristng) Post of the Year


Hay-llo there, it has been a busy month. Luckily I'm on vacations now so I hope to do some stuff worth posting. Whatever free time I did have I spent with my beloved girlfriend or working on The OUT Campaign's site. Not the original Richard Dawkin's one, obviously, on the local one, so that means I'm the designer and webmaster (if you could call it that) of Puerto Rico's Atheist Movement.

Oh and my dreaded birthday came and went, luckily some people made it easier for the pain of being a year older pass by almost unnoticed and Facebook witnessed it.

In other news, my girlfriend has been fascinated lately with Harley Quinn and she wanted some photo-manipulation done with a picture of us.

Ta-dá?



And fuck New Years.

Nov 22, 2009

FFS: The Journey


Among the activities that contribute to the weekends full of boredom I seem to enjoy so much, I went to a chatroom. It was lively, it had a certain atmosphere of asinine banter mainly from a few angsty individuals. Suddenly I was touched when someone in all capitals said FFS.

Well, being a gamer and former Final Fantasy fan, (former, since it is mostly a show of metrosexuals in skimpy outfits), I was used to acronyms such as SMB = Super Mario Bros, KOTOR = Knights of The Old Republic, COF = Call of Duty, and of course FF, which meant Final Fantasy.

Realizing that asking would make look stupid, I left the chat and began searching about this new radical name for the franchise's latest installment that did away with roman numbers and went straight on to letters. Final Fantasy S would make kind of sense since by now I think they've got to be somewhere close to 19 games, maybe even more. A letter would take less space than all those Roman digits.



This "S", what could it really stand for? Why would a random chatter mention this? Why didn't I ask him? Why was it so difficult to find it? Could I have tapped into a big japanese secret? Why does my ass sweat on this chair when I'm naked yet being covered by clothing doesn't have the same effect? The questions haunted me even in my most private of moments. I couldn't urinate inside the toilet. People came to my house and asked themselves what could make me so furious that I had to leave the bathroom smelling like an old woman.

I looked all over the internet, I went to IRC channels, I tried contacting Square Enix via e-mail. I was desperate, I watched 3 consecutive episodes of Boohbah in order to regain my sanity.



What could this stupid extra letter possibly stand for? Some ideas that came to me were:


Sounds like a burger.

Tubgirl would be the last boss.

Showing that the high demand on Google's Search database of "Bring Aeris back" combined with "Nude patch" has made an impact.

Square Enix's most realistic project.


After a while, it hit me. If there's something actually faster than the internet and waiting for e-mails to be replied, it would be the telephone. So I decided to call Square Enix, Inc. located in El Segundo, California. By making this call I would have to end this seemingly futile search. My mind was to be targeted at one thing and one thing only.

That fucking S.




CALL #1

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling the Square Enix support line. Good afternoon, my name is Steven, how may I be of assistance to you?
Dreth: I need to speak with Hiroshi Arai, the polygonal pervert!
Steven: I'm sorry sir, but that person does not work here.
Dreth: Okay then, get me Nobou Uematsu, leader of the flutes.
Steven: Sir, he only contributes music. He is not a direct employee of Square Enix, is there anything else I can help you with?
Dreth: Well I've been looking for a game and I've not found any information on it.
Steven: What is the game's title?
Dreth: It's a new Final Fantasy with S at the end.
Steven: I'm sorry, no such game is out or scheduled to come out.
Dreth: If you can milk a single game sequel for millions of dollars with shitty sub-sequels/prequels then you can tell which god damned Final Fantasy games have a friggin' S in their titles!
Steven: That would be all of them, sir. Fantasy contains the letter S.
Dreth: Real smart. Did your mother put her primitive tits in that advanced mouth of yours, Great Mastermind?
Steven: Sir, if you don't have any other que--
Dreth: Stevie the cock-mongler!
Steven: I'm sorry bu--
Dreth: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK
Steven: I am disc--
Dreth: MOOOOOOOOOOONGLEEEEEEEEEEER

--Dial Tone--


CALL #2

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. I'm Orlando, how can I help you?
Dreth: What is FFS?
Orlando: I beg your pardon?
Dreth: What does FFS mean?
Orlando: Sir, is this related to Square Enix?
Dreth: Is my shit-stained shoe related to your ass? Just answer m--

--Dial Tone--

Dreth: 'the fuck?


What came over me? No idea. I called it quits. A call from Puerto Rico to California is not exactly cheap. My weekends became once again boring, so I resumed my chatting habit until someone mentioned FFS again. I would NOT let this haunt me again so I asked, only to be told me it meant "For Fuck's Sake".

CALL #3

Square Enix Representative: Thank you for calling Square Enix. Good day my name is Maggie, how--
Dreth: NO! I want to talk to the president, right now!
Maggie: It is lunch time, sir.
Dreth: I DON'T CARE IF HE'S EATING DORITOS, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM!
Maggie: One moment please.

Yoichi Wada: Yes, what can I help with? I'm busy eating Doritos.
Dreth: FFS is FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Yoichi Wada: What is this? I don't even--
Dreth: You're working with mexicans!
Yoichi Wada: ...

--Dial Tone--


I guess that last one hit the mark.

Nov 10, 2009

950 tries later, she's ready to kill


Back in February I talked about a South Korean woman that had failed the driving test more than 700 times.

I had missed one important aspect about the story. The exam was not the driving one, but the written one!

All these months I had thought that she passed the initial written exam and that she was simply a menace behind the wheel. Apparently she's a menace on paper also, because she passed the exam on her 950th try. I remember wanting to punch her stupid face back to Kim Woo's era, now I want to fuck her eye sockets.

Okay, maybe not.

Back in the office, she was the number one murderer of trees, now she sort of graduated Asshole School and can be a more selective murderer of, say... dogs, cats, chinchillas and people. On the bright side, it IS South Korea we're talking about. People drive like assholes all the time so she might just blend in perfectly.

Nov 8, 2009

Learn How To Raise Your Kids (Revised)


Original article published on October 3rd, 2004 for Dreth.net

Wanna Discipline Your Child?

When optimistic butt-lickers tell you that you can raise your kids without violence, it's because they know unfit parents want the easy route.

Expert: Judith Hudson, Ph.D.


Question: What's the best way to discipline a toddler?

Dr. Hudson: At any age, discipline should focus on teaching children how you want them to behave, not punishment. Because children learn differently at different ages, discipline and teaching techniques should take into account the child's developmental level and ability to learn. During the toddler years, the best techniques for teaching children how you want them to behave and avoiding frustration are repetition, distraction, and supervision.


Good grief. The 60's were over since 1972.

But we won't be talking about her, she's had her way spoiling kids. Now it's time to use methods that WORK.

How to discipline a toddler.
Expert: Dreth Rodríguez, Degree in HASFUCKINGPUNCHEDBABIES

Below you will see a list of common problems with babies, and their solutions.

Problem #1

A child could be said to always be in his learning stage, everything around him is new to him. If he grabs a toy, he will chew it or simply throw it around. This can turn problematic if you let this behaviour continue. What if this child sees you, the parent, as a toy? By not prohibiting this he will, indeed, treat you like the worthless sack of shit that you are. Children often think that because of their fragile nature they are instantly granted the right to destroy and do as they please, just because "they don't know better". This is dysfunctional thinking.

Solution

Childrens' weapons of destruction, besides their mouths, are their arms and hands. This is easily countered by quick tugs until you dislocate them from the arm sockets. If you having trouble with this technique, a variation of it is to grab and lift the kid by hands and swinging him around until you hear a "popping" sound. The arms have been neutralized.

Nov 6, 2009

Tap Dancing with a twist


Upon reading dieAntagonista's comment:

I suggest, Death of Autotune by Jay-Z, that should calm you down a little. Though I guess you won't be able to listen to that since it's a *rapper* who criticises other rappers so I really got nothing for you.


I didn't really give a shit about her suggestion, but I gave myself a challenge. To find something related to rap that is worth showing and doesn't include big asses.

And I did.

Nov 1, 2009

Porn Smarts


A great man once said "If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want to study, go to a library." While I wholeheartedly agree, I have to include an alternative method to learning.

Random facts from female pornstars:

http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/starfacts.html

Don't worry, it contains no pornography, just a lot of educational value.

On the other hand I've been shown weird shit online. I got to think, there's people that enjoy making others cringe by surprising them with these videos, others simply have great curiosity for seeing what a broken glass jar inside a dude's ass looks like. But below all this, there lies a scary truth, that there's people that gets turned on by this. These sites with ridiculous and crappy fetishes are NSFW (Not Safe For Work):

Beauty and Braces - You can pretty much tell what's it about. While I do find braces cute on some girls, I certainly don't get boners of thinking cold metal scraping my dick and leaving a bloody mess in some poor undignified girl's mouth.

Fart Fantasy - Having crossed into the mainstream public's eyes (and torched their brains with splattering shit), 2 Girls 1 Cup sort of introduced this watered-down version of women enjoying the stuff that comes out of the poop chute rather than putting stuff in it. They smell an awful lot like flowers!

Oct 29, 2009

GUY or GIRL?!? - The Jig is Up


The answer at long last is:

GUY (I know, fooled me too)

His name is Brad Clarke and he's on Facebook!

I know it's hard to believe, that's why I have the whole set of pics here to picture him from average being to downright gender-bender freaky.


Pretty normal, you could even argue that's the girlfriend of a serious-looking guy.


But he doesn't look all that serious.


He even begins looking a bit cuckoo.


Now he looks like a retarded hybrid between Jigglypuff and Bunchies



And thus, the result of this abnormal yet sentient being.

When Fashion meets Mediocrity


I don't care what you fashion-driven fuckheads think, I don't care if I'm a boring fart because I haven't had a new hairstyle in years, I don't care if I look outdated because I don't want to choke my balls and dick with my pants, I don't care if I look like a rejected hybrid of a skater/surfer/hippie, but part of the point is that I don't care that much about my looks as far as being up-to-date goes. So I shouldn't care about others' looks, right? Wrong. The difference is that they live caring about fitting in, what about when fitting in is over-the-top downright shit-through-your-eye-sockets ridiculous?

I've had it with these trendy cunts that 'steal' stupid crap from one another, then claim it theirs. This is directed at rappers or whatever the fuck you want to call those unoriginal scumbags.

1. The color pink

This was a brave bold move because they considered these colors to be associated with homosexuality, and sometimes it ain't far from the truth. But god damnit, it wasn't long after emos began wearing them that the rappers said "hey, maybe if we looked like human versions of Jigglypuff it'll be acceptable!"

So what's the difference between this



and this?


Oct 27, 2009

GUY or GIRL?!? Round 3




Third and last picture.

Tomorrow I unveil the mystery. Apparently it's a no contest for most people, they vote for girl. Big flabby girl.

Oct 25, 2009

Sand Animation


Lately it would seem I am putting up too many videos, but I can't help it. I can't be an angry person all the time, otherwise a rainbow would crawl up my leg and start biting the inside of my ass.

So now I bring you Kseniya Simonova, a female artist who turns something as simple as sand into a sentimental ride re-telling the story of Ukraine during World War II.



See if you can spot a Metallica song in that video.

Oct 24, 2009

GUY or GIRL?!? Round 2




Sorry, our department is still studying the DNA.

So step right up, place your bets!

Oct 23, 2009

It's the End of Area Metro as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)


So an oil refinery plant has decided to blown up 12 of its 30 containers.

A considerable region of "Area Metro" (metropolitan area of Puerto Rico, but it's mostly used to describe the snobs from up north) was shaken in its very own foundation just to spread around half-assed news, everything raging from a massive prison break out from a hotel in flames. Some say a small aircraft crashed into the facilities, others especulate that it was an inside job. Nothing is certain except that morons on Facebook think they're reporters now.



This was the situation last night, quite frankly I hope they all burn to hell.



So... which do you think it was?

Premium or Regular?

Oct 21, 2009

GUY or GIRL?!?




The mystery of the century. Provided by FollowNobody.

I shall post the answer after [if] this picture gets published on MyConfinedSpace.com

UPDATE:

Success!

Now, for the big moment...

-drum roll-

Clicky!

Oct 3, 2009

Unbelievable Pong Shots


I wouldn't challenge any of these guys to beer games, ever.

Unless the point was to get drunk as fast as possible.

Oct 2, 2009

El Placer del Ser "Nadie"


Me pregunto que ha hecho al ser humano tan inservible que se cree que como UNICAMENTE puede vivir una vida decente es dedicando el 45%-85% de su vida entera a comerse libros.

Me fascinan como las ambiciones de las personas sólo se basan en lo material. Muy pocos se educan por alimentar su conocimiento. Mejores casas, mejores autos, tener el último Playstation, que por cierto tiene que hacer juego con su nuevo HD-TV valorado en la mitad lo que vale el carro del año que acabas de sacar junto al embrolle financiero que te persigue y al final sólo son lujos estúpidos. La gente no necesita nada de esto, sin embargo lo aman y se auto-hipnotizan para creer que si no es así, no pueden vivir en armonía. Que serán 'nadies'.

Mentalidad de estas personas:

¿Cómo consigo esto? Solamente trabajando.
¿Cuáles son las únicas personas que trabajan? ¡Nosotros! !solamente los que cargan con 10 años de conocimiento inservible a su lado somos las únicas personas trabajadoras y felices en el mundo!

Sep 21, 2009

Tarboy: A Flash Animation Masterpiece


After being totally blown away by Tarboy's fluid animation and perfectly blended music (by hania) I can't help but spread the good stuff all over your faces.



Official Website: Tarboy.com

Sep 11, 2009

That time of the year to whine


So, we have reached that fateful day in which a bunch of pointless lives were given a bit of importance. Regardless it being terrorism or conspiracy, it sure got annoying. I don't have much to say besides a few "Hahahas" when September 11th arrives each year, but back when I had my "Dreth's Nebula" and Dreth.net thing going on, I celebrated it in my own way. So while I'm not a man of tradition but this year I'm willing to make the exception:



These are the old entries:

2006


2005

Sep 7, 2009

Photoshop: Kandi




So, nothing to write about on this long weekend, I decided to give in to the enchanting beauty -ahem- of this girl I swear I don't know and pay her homage.

This is the first time I really work with vector style graphics and grunge-ish setting. I guess it's not much of a Photo Manipulation as usual, more like an effects thing, but it was for a gullie so it's pretty ACE still.

Aug 25, 2009

Una Noche Asquerosamente Estúpida


La noche mas asquerosamente estúpida de mi vida...

Por razones de seguridad (paronia), no mencionaré nombres ni lugares.

Me levanté a las 11:00am el domingo, al menos mi cuerpo pero mi mente aun estaba en limbo. El día progresa normalmente, lento, caluroso, tedioso y agonizantemente recordándote que vuelves a jornada laboral al día siguiente. A eso de las 3:30pm estoy hablando por MSN Messenger, cuando me percato que tenía que atender a un Baby Shower a las 2:00pm, me preparo a velocidad luz y estoy en Tejas Yabucoa en menos de 40 minutos con una Coors Light (blergh) en mano.

Mi preocupación inicial era "¿podré coger una nota con esta mierda?" luego fue "espero que las viejas no me violen", pero todo eso era nada comparado a lo que la noche tenia por venir.

El descenso a la desgracia tomó lugar tan pronto salí del Baby Shower, me perdí en medio de las incesantes curvas de Tejas, las cuales estaban decoradas con brea y arboles pero con una grandiosa ausencia de rotulación. Me sentí como estar en una pintura de M.C. Escher, al detenerme por unos minutos en medio de la calle, pude parar a alguien y preguntar donde quedaba el resto de la civilización. Al menos salí de ese problema, ya estaba por llegar a casa, eran casi las 11:30pm y tenía que levantarme temprano el lunes, sin mencionar llegar a casa a lavar los platos con sobras de huesos podridos en el fregadero para no escuchar la palabra "puerco" al día siguiente.

Admito que sé cómo se sienten los hoyos en las carreteras, he tenido varios encuentros con ellos, pero sentí algo al bajar la pequeña montaña y no fue un hoyo. Al salir, miro la goma delantera del lado pasajero y noto que sus pulgadas se habían convertido en centímetros. Hago lo mas lógico, gritar "FUCK!" pero me percato que aun estoy en Puerto Rico, procedo a ponerlo mas familiar, "¡FOKIN' OSTIAAAAA!" y golpeo la capota (como si fuese a arreglarlo). Abro el baúl, saco esta linterna experta en dar mas problemas que ayuda ya que las baterías necesitan ser aguantadas en todo momento. Miro la goma como para recordarme que estoy jodido ya que tampoco tengo celular. Yo maldigo mi existencia por primera vez.

Aug 17, 2009

SpellCheck de Firefox


Es refrescante saber que hasta cuando trata de corregirlo lo que hace es empeorarlo.



Malditos Forwards


Hace unos días recibí otro de esos E-mail Forwards enviados por tarados alrededor del mundo, mas específicamente, este vino de Puertorriqueños.

A todos mis amigos: Normalmente no envió mensajes forward, pero este es de mi amiga Pearlas Sandborn, que es abogada. Si ella dice que funciona, funciona. Después de todo, ¿Qué tienes que perder?

¡¡¡LO SIENTO, TODOS..PERO TENIA QUE ARRIESGARME! !! Soy abogada y conozco las leyes. Esto es real. Quédense tranquilos que AOL e Intel cumplirán con su promesa por miedo a enfrentar una demanda multimillonaria similar a la que hizo PepsiCo a General Electric hace no mucho tiempo. Queridos amigos: Por favor no tomen este mensaje como 'correo basura'.

Aug 14, 2009

Robogeisha Trailer


Hold on for what might be the most ridiculously epic movie to come from Japan.

Aug 9, 2009

Photoshop: Heather


So the Dreth Weight Loss Program revolves around one thing mainly. I'll help ya if you're hot. Otherwise, go look for a Photoshop user that isn't wild about pale girls with dark hair and big boobs.

Took me about 50 minutes and I could've given it a little bit more, but the toilet and the floor beneath it pissed me off.

Aug 7, 2009

This would be a cool movie if...







...it were a movie.

But it's not, it's actually a gas pipeline of just 3 feet in diameter, brought to you by Russia's best, Moscow. As you can see, it reached 600 feet into the air, but I don't even wanna talk about it, see for yourself:



Here are some "after" pictures:





Some people just have all the fun.

Site News: Comments Update


I finally managed to sort of fix the issues I had with Blogger's embedded comment form. However I have this small/big gap after the form and before the end of the page so that bothers me a bit.

It looks perfect!

And I decided to not make people have some sort of account for leaving comments. Too anal.

Aug 6, 2009

These are the only hot girls that I get


Today I got this new contact request on MSN Messenger. After accepting (since the e-mail wasn't on borderline stupid, like say kittykat69@...), this is how it went down.

Dreth : ?

Neva : hi how are you today?

Dreth : Hm, fine, who are you?

Neva : my name is paris I'm doing great today I'm 21 yrs old how old are you?

Dreth : Notice how I didn’t ask how you were. Nor how old you were. You're a porn bot aren't ya?

Dreth : You know, you add random people, make little chit-chat, then invite them to see your little cam site.

Neva : listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Dreth : Yeah, that's so original.

Dreth : Jen's a fellow whore?

Dreth : How many CDs do you share with her? Wait, I'm getting my cards of Q&A sessions with Cyber Whores and the t.A.t.U. ones mixed up.

Dreth : I meant, how many VDs do you share with her?

Neva : I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Dreth : But I'm bored of you skinny blonde dumb types. Your spaced out faces, like you don’t know what’s going on around you and one day you MIGHT wake up and ask yourself “why am I trying to buy things I don’t like with money I don’t have to impress people I don’t like?. But who are we kidding, Obama will dance Thriller before that happens!

Dreth : I want a challenge, tell me how to NOT get it for free, that'll sound more believable.

Neva : well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on "Webcams" let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.entercamzone.com/alina2 fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Dreth : LAW? What the fuck, you stick weird shit up your ass and vagina for money now you’re abiding the law? When did this become a priority for you?

Dreth : So why are you called Neva here, Sexy Paris on the page’s title and Alina on that page? How many stupid names are you going to come up with?

Dreth : And I don't have a credit card, you whores sure are demanding.

Dreth : Money is money, I can send you a money order or e-Check. Take it or leave it.

Neva : Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Dreth : Why not?

Dreth : You have no tits anyway. Why would I want to see a flat chested idiot?

Neva : OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn...I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free... You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Dreth : No, I'll use Billy the Pooper. How 'bout that?

Neva : AUTO-RESPONSE: hey just in the middle of my free webcam show if you want to watch click the link http://www.entercamzone.com/alina2

Dreth : And don't curse, it's unlady-like. Filthy wench.

Sad part is that this was probably the most interesting conversation I had all day long.

Aug 5, 2009

Creo que soy víctima de Facebook...


...pero no de la manera que ellos quieren que lo sea.

Soy víctima de la gente que a cada 10 minutos cambian su maldito estatus, poniéndonos al día de cuan monótona es su vida. Entiendo dos puntos muy importantes:
  • Pueden escribir lo que sea
  • No tengo que leer si no me gusta
Pero considérenlos desde su propia perspectiva, en realidad ¿ustedes sacan algo con decir que van a dormir, contrario a cuando iban a dormir sin Facebook? ¿Ustedes llamaban a los amigos para avisarles que iban a dormir? ¿Se paran en medio de la calle a anunciar que van a dormir esperando algún tipo de comentario del vecino?

¡Lo peor de todo es que tienen una manada de imbéciles aplaudiendo el hecho que están prácticamente diciendo NADA! Facebook se va offline el día que la gente con cerebro conteste así:



Acaso anuncian cuando van a orinar o cagar? Probablemente no, entonces ¿por qué anunciar cuando estas ensorrado, cansado, feliz o en depresión? Así de necesitado deber estar por atención.

Esa es otra cosa, en Facebook (o cualquier otra pagina 'social') no dice que es un sitio de terapia emocional cuando te registras. Les juro que por una semana entera lo único que veía eran 'status updates' que eran mas deprimentes que los brazos de Madonna. El día que alguien decida no estar de humor para leer sus estúpidas penas, no se quejen. Chúpense lo que le tiren así como ustedes pretenden que el mundo entero se chupe la mierda que ustedes publican.

Aug 4, 2009

Anti Viejas y Anti Religión


En mi casa nunca hubo ni una bicicleta, mucho menos un carro, hasta ahora. Por ende, mi madre siempre andaba conmigo en guagua publica. Recuerdo una vez con mucha amargura, que un señor mayor y pellejudo se queda con el canto cuando le entra el "Espíritu Santo" y comienza a predicar innecesariamente a toda boca dentro de una guagua. Mi madre, tan buena y tan pendeja, no dejó que su pequeño ángel de unos 8 años mandara al molestoso y apestoso hombre a callar. Siempre quise toparme con esto de nuevo ya que tuve en mi mente uno de esos escenarios de "que pasaría" si no me hubiesen amenazado con una pela.

Ya que tengo carro, y no me olvido de los pobres (ese es el dicho, no les estoy diciendo pobres), llevo a mi amigo Meis al Departamento del Trabajo y Recursos Humanos en Humacao. Como es de esperar, en ese lugar hay que esperar bastante, y mi amigo coge su numero y con calma esperamos en una esquina como prostitutas. Todo el mundo esta hablando, aunque no parece una gallera, al menos no oyes el aire acondicionado ni la respiración forzada de los gordos y cuando Meis está próximo a ser llamado rompe esta única vieja a hablar... no no, a GRITAR mierdas.

El Señor te quiere, busca de El. El Salvador viene pronto, tienen tiempo, porque si ya hubiese venido que muchos hubiesen sido los malditos...etc


Ya saben la rutina. Curiosamente, todos en la sala de espera se callaron mientras que yo seguí diciendo idioteces como "Calcúta, damas y caballeros" en un tono moderado, no gritando pero suficientemente alto para que algunas personas cercanas escucharan.

Justo cuando estoy por hacerle señales a Meis para que avance, para aprovechar y cogerla en su apogeo, el dice "That's it!" en referencia a que terminó su papeleo, nos dirigimos a la puerta de salida, donde mismo esta sentada la vieja, la miro a los ojos, hago una leve parada de 1 segundo y digo:



"YA! Shhhhh, a nadie le importa, cállese y no joda mas" y sigo caminando.

Aparentemente no mucha gente estaba en desacuerdo conmigo ya que nadie me miro mal ni dijo nada. Pero si aprendí algo de esto, es que hay que joder a estos infelices que se creen pastores deambulantes. No les dejen pasar una, eso es alteración a la paz, la gente no quiere escucharlo y no tienen que sentirse obligados tampoco.

Aug 3, 2009

El Incordio del Cocal





Ayer domingo fui a El Cocal, una playa en Yabucoa, no la mas popular ni la mas limpia pero creo que por eso es las mas cercana al Happy Medium, es accesible y se puede disfrutar tranquilamente. Estuve con algunas amistades y a pesar de que fue algo prácticamente sin planificación, salió bastante bien. El único contratiempo se apareció luego de que empezáramos a beber y comer. Un surfer local ya un poco tomado decide detenerse en nuestro spot. Lo saludamos, cordialmente, luego comienza una conversación sobre que tanto ha aumentado la marea durante los años y el sabio surfer me "educa", debido que mi edad es menor que la de él. Lógica perfecta, ¿no?

Nos cuenta un corta anécdota sobre cuando el se metió al agua durante el Huracan Hugo en el 1989 con olas de 16 pies (esa es toda la anécdota). Hago una referencia a Antártida, que las olas normalmente son de 30 pies y de nuevo no sé de que hablo, según el surfer. Me retiro a cocinar, mientras mas lejos este de este idiota, mejor será la tarde. Incluso, un primo del surfer apareció y tampoco le quería dirigir la palabra, porque así de bueno debe ser.

Jul 28, 2009

Ass Long I Shave...


The following is an excerpt from a book I was planning to write some years ago.

The unimaginable happened.

Do you know how you tend to have a zit that you want to get rid of, but can't because you know that it will probably leave a mark on your face and will have to live with it for the rest of your life?

Well you can live with a black crater on your face if you're a skilled talker. If not, back it up with money, or even use that money to fix your face. But if there is something that will not go away by sweet-talking to it, nor buy it out, it is ass hair.

Yes, ass hair, that dreadful imitation of Mr. It from the Addams Family that makes his presence felt, literally, when you try to clean your ass' equivalent of Guatemala's sinkholes. Be it toilet paper, soap or even three seashells, ass hair makes it difficult for your product of preference to clean thoroughly. I was deeply disturbed whenever I found I had more hair on my toilet paper than shit stains. I did not pay heed to it though, I merely said to myself...

"I guess I have less ass hair now".

One day, after a handful of small twisted hairs appeared on my toilet paper after it explored the depths of the "Wretched Two", I decided to take a look with my head between my legs and my rear-end pointing at the mirror.

Little did I expect what awaited me. I was terrified. I prayed my best to any god that hadn't kept me On Hold previously that my eyesight was playing a cruel joke on me. As I extended my hand to reach for what seemed similar to a dark-colored metal sponge. Easy to wrap your fingers in, difficult to retract them back to safe distance.

My ass.... was hairy.

Very hairy.

So damn hairy I could not bear to moon anyone ever again. I could get ass nuggets stuck in this small jungle. I'd have to be extra careful if I were to get naked in front of someone and turn around.

Following the childish solution in life of "close your eyes and it'll go away" I decided to ignore it for years. I figured 70's porn would come back in style and everyone would stop shaving. That would make my ass blend in with the crowd.


Looking back on this... it would've made a great love novel.

Jul 27, 2009

The Most Mismatched Roommates Ever


Ever had a mindfuck? Yes? I hope you enjoy them, because this one will DP your head.

If the answer is no, then I'm about to take your virginity with this video.

Jul 25, 2009

The Hang


I don't really consider myself a drummer, there's a video of me playing drums (it's about a year old) and I'm not being too good at it. I do enjoy it, which is why the drum set is still around, however if there's another instrument in the world I would love to at least try out, would be the Hang or Hang Drum.

And it's not a drum nor is it hanging, in fact, the name couldn't be further away from the concept. Have a look for yourself:



These things start out at $200 on eBay, although they're not made by the original creators. You have to pre-order the originals and the queue line is likely to be full, and don't expect to pay $200 for these.

http://www.hang-music.com/hang.php

Jul 24, 2009

I want to shoot a whore


Quick post, if you're in Puerto Rico and have heard of the Guaya Guaya Fest, it's mainly a meeting of shameless public whores who use the excuse of 'reggaeton' in order to engage in their filthy activities.

"Dancing" that looks like fucking, and fucking that looks like unemployed single mothers with an IQ value of a one-digit number. In short, fuck you reggaeton fans and good luck to all you whores out there. I hope you catch Swine Flu in that sea of degradation.

Mars AH-crap...


What if your childhood had a moment so kick-ass that it left you scared shitless, marking a permanent mark in a corner of your brain?



Well, apparently the pussies at Southway Junior School, in west Sussex, find it a crappy thing to witness an alien spaceship crash land, an invasion and having their teacher kidnapped. In all truthfulness, the crash and abduction are things to be excited about, especially if it's your teacher (hello, no classes?), getting invaded should worry you but for crying out loud, ever since 2nd Grade I've looked at the skies in hopes of seeing something out of ordinary and these fuckers are "traumatized" by it? I wouldn't be surprised if all these idiots were mostly emos.

It was clearly staged, even the police was in on it. The parents behaved like Kyle's fuckin' jew mom, complaining about raising their kids so poorly. My general response from both the school and police department would be "Harden the fuck up!".

If Europe decides to retaliate an alien invasion one day, do not recruit the ball-less cretins from this school. In fact, tie them up and leave them in the middle of the battlefield, I'm sure Galactus will have fun with them.

Jul 20, 2009

Photoshop Remakes II


While not the same as the other remakes, these ones put the viewer into REALLY noticing the changes between Old vs. New. Humiliating myself just for the sake of saying "At least there's progress". I attempted to capture the essence of old pictures and re-done the entire concept with the current knowledge.

First up is the lamest one, while neither of them are new, it was the first to get this sort of treatment.

Dreth - Midgor

I've no idea what it's supposed to be, where the original background is from (I know it's on DeviantArt somewhere), or where the name came from.

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Mandie Angel

I remember doing this next one as commission work back in 2005, but it turned out so shit after a year I went back to it and sent it to the person, apologizing. I would apologize again, but the source material (her picture) was of very low quality and I had chopped parts of her in the original PSD so there was not much I could do.

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Drethiroth / Sephireth

Good ol' Sephiroth, poor guy has had so much overexposure that he's turned more of a playboy and less a menace to the planet. That and the ever-so-increasingly homosexual overtones of Final Fantasy characters does not help his popularity, at all. Back when Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children was still in its teaser trailer days, few pictures were leaked, the first ones being of Sephiroth. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon, I decided to mock this joke of a villain and plastered my face on his.

Of course, after a while I found it more of an insult to me than to his fans, so I decided to remake it in order to gain a little bit of self-respect as far as mockery goes.

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Tainted Mirror

Although not a real remake, the first Mirror piece was done with the idea of seeing how the concept would look outside of my head, and since the overall response was good I decided to do it for real, with new pictures and all. Some people ended up liking the original better than the remake.

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Dreth - Energy

The one that says Dretho-Kun was meant to be a quick parody of whatever I had in mind at that time. But it always bothered me that whenever someone saw it, they would kind of like it. IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE LIKED! So I turned into Bitch-Ass Goku mode and made my latest masterpiece.

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Jul 19, 2009

Photoshop Remakes


Having been using Photoshop for many years, I tend to go back and look at my old stuff and mock myself for even thinking that those old things looked good. Such is the case of some not-so-old pieces, but while I knew they weren't perfect I couldn't find the errors my friend Meis pointed out to me.

Alas, the problem laid within my old CRT Hewlett-Packard monitor (and the other small crappy HP LCD), which had a tendency for hating crisp colors, and opted for trying to make everything as dark as possible.

So when I got my current monitor and saw my Dreth "Sith" and Dreth "Joker" pictures, I almost cried. I decided to try and fix them as much as possible:

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I don't blame you if you can't see a great difference, but those messy red globs of the old one were anything but attractive, and what the hell was I thinking with the sith's "red aura"???

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I changed the scars a bit, made them look a little bit more credible, fixed hair and contrast, recolored and repositioned the hand, as well as changed the card's logo. By changing the logo for that of Tim Burton's Batman film I broke the "nothing external used, all me" streak I had going on in this pic, but it helped so I don't care.

So while still far from perfect, they're easier on the eyes now.